July sometimes comes with a particular sense of excitement. Sometimes, not so much of it, and I immediately just know that it's birthday blues.
This time, it's different.
I'm looking at twenty-three, and it's looking right back at me. Strangely, because truth be told, I feel as though I'm nineteen in achievements. Very stagnant. Maybe because I'm letting fear take its course.
It's July again, and I don't quite know if I should relish the excitement of graduating soon from the university or just let this numb feeling take over me. If we're being frank, nothing feels exciting—and it's not birthday blues. Maybe it's how finding myself again feels.
Numb towards everything and anything.
Whether it's family, friends, relationships, my academics, or everybody around me, I feel like I'm on a quest to find my own fulfilment first. And until I find it, nobody can be let in.
It's safe to say that I'm in my selfish phase.
All my energy is going into myself and trying to make meaning of my life. This big dream that I have in my head—I want it established. No matter what manages to seep in, I silence it and make it remain an illusion until I get a clear vision and direction of where I'm headed.
And I think I'm largely taking out a key factor in all of this.
God.